Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
