Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Randomize
