She went from zero to smokin in five shots
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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