remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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