hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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