I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
