Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
