So drunk its hurt
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
