Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
