I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
