Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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