Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
