Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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