You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
