remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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