It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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