How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
