probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
