highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
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