I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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