He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
