What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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