3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
