I'm gonna have a badass scar
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize