And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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