i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
