I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
