Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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