the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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