he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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