He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
