OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
handjob tips. give me some.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
