the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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