Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I need moral support for this bender
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
