so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
