took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
