i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
