I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
