We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
