here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
