Texts From Last Night · allykinns's Favorites

allykinns's Favorites Texts:

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(541): View more from Oregon

If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?

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(443): View more from Maryland

why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?

(410): View more from Maryland

haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background

(443): View more from Maryland

that only happened once.

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(206): View more from Washington

Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?

(503): View more from Oregon

Succeeded.

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(806): View more from Texas

Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.

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(513): View more from Ohio

he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

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(207): View more from Maine

There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

He wasn't the only one with a full load.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me

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(330): View more from Ohio

ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

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(678): View more from Georgia

apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(519): View more from Ontario

Cats found the secret coke stash again

(519): View more from Ontario

They owe us $80.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?

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(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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(518): View more from New York

#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters

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(480): View more from Arizona

i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend

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(214): View more from Texas

Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.

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(516): View more from New York

Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.

(1-516): View more from New York

True life - we need to smoke together more often

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)

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(703): View more from Virginia

You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."

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(408): View more from California

When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

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(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling

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(847): View more from Illinois

my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.

(224): View more from Illinois

I'm with your mom on this one.

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(248): View more from Michigan

about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.

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(217): View more from Illinois

My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.

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(519): View more from Ontario

she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems

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(214): View more from Texas

look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.

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(713): View more from Texas

splinters make it hard to masturbate

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(407): View more from Florida

Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?

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(217): View more from Illinois

I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?

(847): View more from Illinois

haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.

(217): View more from Illinois

... oops

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(541): View more from Oregon

And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch

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(703): View more from Virginia

I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?

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(562): View more from California

that was a gay-test. you passed.

(1-562): View more from California

with flying rainbow colors i hope!

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(313): View more from Michigan

Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often

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(415): View more from California

i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘

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(423): View more from Tennessee

It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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(609): View more from New Jersey

apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.

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(254): View more from Texas

that's what penises do

(254): View more from Texas

they tell lies.

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(310): View more from California

my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!

(763): View more from Minnesota

Yes.

(612): View more from Minnesota

fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria

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(765): View more from Indiana

just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

You're welcome.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion

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(845): View more from New York

We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.

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(530): View more from California

There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

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(480): View more from Arizona

I had to brake up with him.

(602): View more from Arizona

In my experience drinking helps.

(480): View more from Arizona

You dont want to know why?

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. I want to drink.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(615): View more from Tennessee

so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me

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(505): View more from New Mexico

well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life

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(619): View more from California

he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?

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(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again

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(970): View more from Colorado

If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.

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(281): View more from Texas

My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life

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(847): View more from Illinois

Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from

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(802): View more from Vermont

my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pappa wants mamma naked

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(705): View more from Ontario

Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.

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(805): View more from California

omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now

(1-805): View more from California

he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls

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(906): View more from Michigan

last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

what if I'm pregnant?

(848): View more from New Jersey

smusmorshion

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(731): View more from Tennessee

I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention

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(802): View more from Vermont

Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?

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(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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(440): View more from Ohio

If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.

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(845): View more from New York

i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.

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(513): View more from Ohio

hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

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(502): View more from Kentucky

How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast

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(207): View more from Maine

It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...

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(540): View more from Virginia

Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.

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(207): View more from Maine

i will never coherently bang her

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(609): View more from New Jersey

is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.

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(949): View more from California

I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..

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(510): View more from California

turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks

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(337): View more from Louisiana

summer is not the time to consider going full bush.

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face

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(203): View more from Connecticut

apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis

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(913): View more from Kansas

i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell

(816): View more from Missouri

please tell me you are kidding me

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(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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(480): View more from Arizona

it's like russian roulette but with a penis

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(619): View more from California

It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.

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(410): View more from Maryland

he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero

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(813): View more from Florida

Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(770): View more from Georgia

Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you

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(917): View more from New York City

Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.

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(315): View more from New York

I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

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(703): View more from Virginia

you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.

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(850): View more from Florida

the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

(1-850): View more from Florida

that makes sense.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.

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(450): View more from Quebec

I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life

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(330): View more from Ohio

She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.

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(315): View more from New York

Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?

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(206): View more from Washington

He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.

(404): View more from Georgia

Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.

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(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic

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(314): View more from Missouri

I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.

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(562): View more from California

about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

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(619): View more from California

wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh

(1-619): View more from California

maybe you did when you were drunk

(619): View more from California

no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.

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(905): View more from Toronto

My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.

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(812): View more from Indiana

apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"

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(352): View more from Florida

What are you doing?

(352): View more from Florida

High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...

(352): View more from Florida

That guy could sell me cancer.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.

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(951): View more from California

better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???

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(562): View more from California

We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.

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(716): View more from New York

I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.

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(727): View more from Florida

please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me

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(970): View more from Colorado

I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.

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(970): View more from Colorado

totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.

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(720): View more from Colorado

So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.

(970): View more from Colorado

well, dont

(720): View more from Colorado

I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.

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(514): View more from Quebec

i'm home, then i'll come over

(1-514): View more from Quebec

ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa

(514): View more from Quebec

nvm.

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(310): View more from California

I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high

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(432): View more from Texas

He looks like he has a penis

(210): View more from Texas

What the fuck

(432): View more from Texas

A good one, a good penis

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(415): View more from California

I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota

(415): View more from California

everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy

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(815): View more from Illinois

yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything

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(949): View more from California

Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.

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(503): View more from Oregon

She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, you need to talk to your mom

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

wtf?

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

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(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

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(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

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(315): View more from New York

I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.

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(281): View more from Texas

I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously

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(602): View more from Arizona

Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.

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(845): View more from New York

so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date

(845): View more from New York

i guess it runs in the family.

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(404): View more from Georgia

on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

i can respect that.

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(720): View more from Colorado

he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again

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(636): View more from Missouri

I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.

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(917): View more from New York City

i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.

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(310): View more from California

kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.

(1-310): View more from California

damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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(301): View more from Maryland

the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.

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(925): View more from California

I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.

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(631): View more from New York

Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Someone's got a whale tail

(1-314): View more from Missouri

A thong is hangin out?

(314): View more from Missouri

No, a fatty following them

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.

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(914): View more from New York

you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

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(203): View more from Connecticut

tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?

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(443): View more from Maryland

We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.

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(404): View more from Georgia

YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!

(678): View more from Georgia

correction: escorted out

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(925): View more from California

Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'

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(845): View more from New York

Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

(415): View more from California

shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .

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(734): View more from Michigan

I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.

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(936): View more from Texas

the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

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(601): View more from Mississippi

we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.

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(415): View more from California

Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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(541): View more from Oregon

Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.

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(214): View more from Texas

So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.

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(607): View more from New York

He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(571): View more from Virginia

What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party

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(770): View more from Georgia

He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

(478): View more from Georgia

Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

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(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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(804): View more from Virginia

Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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(707): View more from California

He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".

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(217): View more from Illinois

Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.

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(256): View more from Alabama

do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!

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(773): View more from Illinois

Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

(213): View more from California

so that means christmas in space?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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(850): View more from Florida

does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?

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(712): View more from Iowa

I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you

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(360): View more from Washington

I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

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(805): View more from California

he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.

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(503): View more from Oregon

gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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(904): View more from Florida

to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning

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(302): View more from Delaware

Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america

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(201): View more from New Jersey

On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(716): View more from New York

So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.

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(970): View more from Colorado

At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(734): View more from Michigan

Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster

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(786): View more from Florida

If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up

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(303): View more from Colorado

Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?

(509): View more from Washington

You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(818): View more from California

At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.

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(772): View more from Florida

He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.

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(509): View more from Washington

We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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(440): View more from Ohio

My astrological sign? Vagitarius.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...

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(702): View more from Nevada

We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Yes and so do I

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Some one left their pants in the elevator.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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(425): View more from Washington

I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.

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(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat

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(573): View more from Missouri

She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(530): View more from California

Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.

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(407): View more from Florida

Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice

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(757): View more from Virginia

Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'

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(516): View more from New York

They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.

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(916): View more from California

Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room

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(416): View more from Toronto

You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(801): View more from Utah

Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(702): View more from Nevada

We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Wtf? Why?

(702): View more from Nevada

I want awesome conversations to show the world.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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