She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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