Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
