I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
