Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
