my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
