1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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