There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
