So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
