Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
